"The ISIS Lieutenant"

Alright everyone: could I have your attention for a moment?  Mohammad, could you sit down please? Thank you. Alright. Can everyone hear me? Good. We have something important to discuss.


Now. I know, as Islamic state militants, we've got a lot on our plates and we're pretty stressed out. I mean, Mohammad just got killed yesterday and everyone is really upset about that. 


...Yes Mohammad, I know you are right there and in fact, not dead. I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about the other Mohammad. The one with the beard? He carried an AK-47? Does no one know who I'm talking about?


Well, regardless. We're all upset for some reason or another. But there is something important we need to discuss. 


No Mohammad, it's not about the name. ISIS, ISIL, whatever. We're not concerned with the confusion. Heck, the majority of Westerners don't even care about a million and a half starving refugees; we can't expect them to care about our little acronym. In fact, the less they understand about us, the better. It kinda adds to our image, y'know?


So no. It's not about the name. Allah Ackbar is what we need to talk about.


Yes, okay, everybody shout it, get it out of your systems. Allah Ackbar! Woo. Are we done with that? Are we done? Can we get down to business? Okay.


I really have no problem with shouting Allah Ackbar. I mean it feels great! We just took down a tank, we're shooting our guns in the air, I mean, who wouldn't want to shout an Allah Ackbar or two? Its sort of our thing.


But the constant shouting of Allah Ackbar is really taking a toll on our army. We need to prioritize our communication. For example, there are other things that you could shout instead of Allah Ackbar: "Get Down", "Cover me", "I'm going in". These are all pretty important. So as much as we ALL love Allah Ackbar, we need to balance it out with some good communication. 


War is loud enough already without every Tom, Dick, and Mohammad shouting Allah Ackbar every single time we reload. 


It really takes away from its magic. Variety is the spice of life, right? Maybe next time we are excited, instead of Allah Ackbar-ing, we just touch our noses like this. See? I'm touching my nose. See? Look how excited I am.


No, Mohhamad, I'm not suggesting we get rid of Allah Ackbar altogether. Honestly, be rational. Like I said, It's very motivating! I'm just spit-balling, you know. Maybe we could schedule it? 


What about an Allah Ackbar, every hour, on the hour. Maybe we could even shout however many Allah Ackbars for what hour is struck. Six o Clock? Six Allahs! Now wouldn't that be a fun way to pass the time?


No? How about we limit the number of Allah Ackbar's per person, per day?  You get three chances. Just three Allah Ackbars. Does that sound like a good idea to everyone? Three Allah Ackbars a day? Alright, good.  We'll start ... right... now. 

I'm glad we got that sorted out. There's no reason we can't act civilized. 


Now let's go and throw acid on some women who want to vote. 


Mohammad, that’s one right there. Shoulda just touched your nose."